Belt Testing

Belt Testing. My original plan was to test every month from now until November to overcome my test anxiety and get used to KJN yelling in my ear or giving me that "are you sure that's what you want to do for this?" look that pretty much implies I'm doing it all wrong. If there is anything I have learned in life, it is commit to your answer. Dead wrong or Right on, one looks far more confident committing to one or the other rather than sitting there unsure and looking like a complete idiot. "Duh, I dunno," just does not reflect black belt excellence to me, and yet, KJN seems to elicit that very response. Do I know? Yes. I've practiced and studied and can do half this shit in my sleep but the fact that I want to do well for the people who have carried me this far makes me question myself.
Last month, I tested with Andee and we rocked it. Our floor grappeling was solid and we were going all out. We flowed better, and we were confident. This month, not so much. I think both of us wanted to prove that we are BOTH ready for this and that we know the material. However, KJN seemed like he was trying to trip us up. I understand that he's not interested in what we know as much as he wants to nail down what we don't know and how much work is it going to take to get us ready for September. I get it. However, there's a psychology that goes with that objective. I don't want to give him a morsel to chew on. I don't want him to find one darn thing to criticize. Therefore, I aim for perfection and I pull back. I perform conservatively, and thereby do not represent myself appropriately. I have to shed that mindset which I think will be easier once he says yay or nay, yay being the preferred option. Then, I will feel like he's on my side. For now, I feel like he is my enemy, wanting to trip me up and point out my weakness. There is value in this, but as my lead instructor, my mentor, my Kwan Jang Nim, this messes with my head. I don't feel safe. I don't feel like I can really let my beast flag fly because no matter what, he's going to pick it apart. For example, during Palgae 7, I was using my breathing to help me keep a rhythm. He mocked me during my form. Not sure if he was trying to distract me, break me down or trying to elicit a response, but it threw me. I finished my form but it certainly was not my best performance. There were other things during the test that did not go well. I look at testing as a way to shine. It's a way to show our master instructors how hard we work and the technique we've been taught. It's a way for me to check off certain things so I can focus more intently on others. I didn't get that on this last test. Obviously, I'm not in Kansas anymore, and I trust that KJN Gary will get me ready for the big day. I am hoping this last test was not simply a test of curriculum, but a test of how we perform with criticisms and dismissals. Honestly, KJN Gary can teach a monkey the curriculum but if your head isn't in it, then he's just wasting his time. I don't want to waste his time. I guess it is his job to try and get in my head and it's my job to not let him. I have two months to get this curriculum embedded in my brain and body. The more I know it, the more confident I will be. At that point, I need to not care so much about what my KJN thinks and more about how to execute a top performance. One thing ski racing has taught me that no matter how much I train, how much my coaches pick me apart, or how much my trainers try to break me down, it is ultimately me that steps over the start wand and makes shit happen. Black Belt training is not much different. I just have to get better at it first.
San Diego will provide a nice break. Tough Mudder is right around the corner and will be a great training tool. Then, it's game time.